"Abast ye Captain Blackbeard. We be out of non-dairy creamer"

All I wanted to do was comment on one blog. Just the one. Now I have found myself in a time warp back to a time when I thought having a drag queen persona was avant garde and terribly witty. When I went to "sign up" so I could make my dashing comment, Blogger found I already had an account. Suddenly I found myself in 2007 with a diatribe that terrified me.


"Is that really ME?" Apparently it was. I was bitter. Self-centered. Probably suffering from narcissism. Words spewed from my gaping maw like burning oil from an off-shore oil rig on Earth Day. Funny. I still am bitter, self-centered and narcissistic but on a whole new level.


I deleted that old blog about being gay in Detroit. Who cares about being gay in Detroit. "I drove to X to see Y". "I drove with Z to eat at Q's". "I drove to a drive-in for driving loafers". That's the old me. Detroit is lovelier than you think. Detroit is not Gary. Now, yes, now I am gay BUT living in Chicago. See what happened there? See what I did? I broke verisimilitude "Hey, this guy lives in Detroit. Wait. WHAT?! The Willis (ne Sears) Tower isn't in Detroit! How did he do that?"


With David Copperfield rapacious verbiage and Siegfried and Roy insatiate grammar I alone suspended your disbelief.


Eventually I'd like my own talk-show. For now I would settle for one person reading my boring adventures. You may scoff at boring adventures but think about what Pirates did when they weren't all "Abast ye" this and "Shiver me" that. They did laundry. They got manicures. They went fishing. Pirates...they're just like us. "Abast ye Captain Blackbeard. We be out of non-dairy creamer."