Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Giant Sucking Sound is Back!

Scott Walker won re-election in Wisconsin. Normally, I'd just keep my yap shut regarding all things political on this blog but really - Scott Walker, the most reviled Republican since GW Bush won re-election in Wisconsin. Who's to blame?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Great Homosexual Lifestyle Challenge: Living with Less

I read a fascinating article this morning on the idea of living with less...a lot less. In fact, the couple featured in the article selected 100 things with which to live their lives and ditched the rest. I was intrigued. Is this even possible? I found that not only is it very possible, but for some, its also a highly successful way of living.

I look about my apartment and it feels more like a flea market than my home. I have bric-a-brac and crap everywhere. Very little of it is what I would even consider "valuable" in the sense that I didn't pay anything for it. No, I didn't STEAL it. I probably found it in some clearance bin at one of those awful chain discount stores. (Anyone want a perforated tin elephant tea light holder?) My bedroom is the worst. I look in there and I think, "blowtorch". I have two virtually empty bookcases serving no function other than to collect dust, take up significant amounts of space and store garbage that I neither need nor want.

Now, as a gay man, I, that is a homosexual, have a certain expectations to live up to. We are the ultimate consumer. Prada. Gucci. Boss. Chanel. Dior. Diesel. Burberry. It's a never ending parade of other people's clothes and shoes through our closets. The larger question is how to best cut the apron strings and quietly resist. Do I need Carerra sunglasses at $300 a pair? Will my life be better with those Burberry dress pants at $200 a pair? Will I die without a Louis Vuitton messenger pacasse? The answer for most gays to any of those questions might actually be "yes". For me, its "I'm not sure".

There are times when I see a pair of shoes or a book or a piece of art and actually feel compelled, deeply, to buy it. I actually have a pair of shoes in my closet that I have worn three times. I paid $180 for them. Why? Honestly, self-induced peer pressure. I never shop with other people. So the only person I can blame is myself, rather, my ego. I was so insecure in me that I felt $180 shoes would make me feel more confident. As it turns out, the shoes are horribly uncomfortable and really are quite ugly now that I look at them. Not Crocs ugly, but still, pretty ugly. I feel like the manager of a JC Penny or a used-car lot when I wear them. In other words, dirty.

I have been on kicks where I have significantly downsized the amount of my personal possessions. It feels great and it also looks better. Suddenly I am a Buddhist monk and my home is my cell and all i want to do it bow, drink tea and smile at flowers for no reason.  However, inevitably, that little consumer bug pops up and asks, "Why does your house look like hell?  Don't you want a Kosta Boda candy dish?  I think you do." I begin to compare my lifestyle with others and in that end I always lose. It never feels fabulous. I don't have a cute BMW. I don't own anything that you might find at Sak's.  I don't own the latest pair of shoes from Prada. I don't own a suit that can be, in any respect, considered designer. Am I a failure as a gay? If gay men define themselves by the things they own then yes I am a failure. Somehow though with the premise of defining my life by the things I own, I don't mind terribly being considered a failure.

So, I thought perhaps I could document my latest lifestyle transformation. This is not an endeavor to become some sanctimonious hipster as I cannot abide them at all. No, this is about feeling freer in my home. This is about placing value on those things in my life which aren't even things. This is about finding the inherent richness of life without worrying about who I am impressing because, as I have been learning, the only person I need to impress is myself. Does that sound like Doogie Howser? Perhaps a little. It's true though. If you waste your time trying to impress your neighbors or your friends you will find yourself in the same engineless jet that I am, spinning out of control back towards the earth. Rather than spin monotonously, I have decided to glide purposefully.

Stay tuned all of you who aren't even reading this. For more information on living with less, check out

Monday, July 12, 2010

Why the Gulf Coast Deserves to be Destroyed

"...and all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the water, and any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you..." Leviticus 11:10

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina destroyed a majority of New Orleans. Some religious leaders praised the city's deluge as it prevented "Southern Decadence" from occuring. Pat Robertson and many other prominent Christian leaders believed, honestly in fact, that God brought Hurricane Katrina to destroy the City of New Orleans because of homosexuals. Most religious leaders place great emphasis on the Bible, and its denunciation of gays and gay sex acts. Therefore, if the Lord God Alimighty is that concerned with reminding his ward when they sin against His very clear instructions, then the Gulf Coast must have been asking for such an environmental disaster.

I know what you must be thinking, "But man drilled for oil in the first place." Right. However, the naturally occuring methane bubble that is now widely believed to be the actual cause for the Gulf spill was not caused by drilling but was a naturally occurring phenomenon.

Why, you ask, would God wish to smite the people of the Gulf Coast? What terrible sin could they possibly be guilty of that would bring such destruction upon them? Simple. They farm, catch, sell, distribute, and consume shrimp.

These people are sinful shrimp pushers. They open such restaurants as "Bubba Gump Shrimp" and "Red Lobster" (look out're next!) in an attempt to push their sinful ways on us non-shrimp eating holy people. They pollute our colons with the filth and abominations of the sea. I am fairly certain that shrimp have neither fins nor scales. If God can destroy Soddom and New Orleans because of sex, what would stay His mighty hand in destroying the entire shrimp pushing coast because of eating?

Since homosexuality is clearly a choice then so is the decision of what we put in our mouths. Shrimp, is strictly forbidden by God. He even used "abomination". This is not a suggestion of what to eat. God is not a food critic. If God did start writing for the Times that would seem sort of odd of him. He MADE food. Bitching about it now is an odd twist.

Now that the Gulf Coast is devastated, hopefully these pathetic people, who are now impoverished and whose lives are ruined forever will get the message. Let this also be a warning to other areas that catch and eat shrimp; God is watching. To the restaurants still serving shrimp after this justifiable destruction of people's lives - change your menus. To the waterfowl that eat shrimp and shellfish - you are in grave danger, become vegan.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

"Abast ye Captain Blackbeard. We be out of non-dairy creamer"

All I wanted to do was comment on one blog. Just the one. Now I have found myself in a time warp back to a time when I thought having a drag queen persona was avant garde and terribly witty. When I went to "sign up" so I could make my dashing comment, Blogger found I already had an account. Suddenly I found myself in 2007 with a diatribe that terrified me.

"Is that really ME?" Apparently it was. I was bitter. Self-centered. Probably suffering from narcissism. Words spewed from my gaping maw like burning oil from an off-shore oil rig on Earth Day. Funny. I still am bitter, self-centered and narcissistic but on a whole new level.

I deleted that old blog about being gay in Detroit. Who cares about being gay in Detroit. "I drove to X to see Y". "I drove with Z to eat at Q's". "I drove to a drive-in for driving loafers". That's the old me. Detroit is lovelier than you think. Detroit is not Gary. Now, yes, now I am gay BUT living in Chicago. See what happened there? See what I did? I broke verisimilitude "Hey, this guy lives in Detroit. Wait. WHAT?! The Willis (ne Sears) Tower isn't in Detroit! How did he do that?"

With David Copperfield rapacious verbiage and Siegfried and Roy insatiate grammar I alone suspended your disbelief.

Eventually I'd like my own talk-show. For now I would settle for one person reading my boring adventures. You may scoff at boring adventures but think about what Pirates did when they weren't all "Abast ye" this and "Shiver me" that. They did laundry. They got manicures. They went fishing. Pirates...they're just like us. "Abast ye Captain Blackbeard. We be out of non-dairy creamer."